Comedy Show Night Prints

Standup translator...

Zombie standup

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

America's Funniest Interest Rate Hikes

Pet Entertainers

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

"Now that we're into spring, we want to warn you that spring fever can be contagious..."

'Take my advice kid. Enjoy yourself now, because once you get married, your free ranging days are over.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

America's funniest election gaffes

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

'Very funny!'

"What you have is what we call Cactunitus. It's when your skin is so dry you start to morph into a cactus."

Happy Birthday Magicians of America

'Ha, ha! But seriously folks...'

Off Off Off Off Broadway

Now all meals contain 'Enzymate' for fast digestion.'

'Isn't this cast great? Dr. Emily's minor was sculpture in college!'

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

The post-menopause luncheon's unintentional comedy act.

Good Morning Britain

BLEAK PROSPECTS: DOWNSIZING FOR THE NINETIES

Clownton Abbey

'Yes, it's a foul. But is it a flagrant foul?'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"I'm exhausted! I've just binge-watched the entire series of 'Fresh Air and Exercise.'"

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

Football Delivery

Ventriloquism For Beginners.

My client vigorously denies your charges. He says he has great respect for what makes you special. He knows that you like Amy Winehouse, watching The Office, secondhand clothes. You're reading off my Facebook page. He knows you're on Facebook. You're both off my friends list.

Act as though you're in a screwball comedy.

"Last night we watched three movies back to back. I was the one facing the telly."

Marriage Crash Investigation

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

Comedy Rule