Comedian With A Health Kick Prints

I feel fine! Ready to go home!

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"What> Fitness isn't a destination, it's a way of life."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

"One slice—hold the bread."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

New anti-obesity cookbook.

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

Formally foods that were good for you.

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

Actually, I hate the taste of fish, but the oil's just so darn good for you.

"I hear a pet can help prolong your life. Got any that know the Heimlich maneuver?"

"Thank God!"

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."