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Monkey Business College

'Hmph. College kids.'

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

'Simpson! Stop causing low-level disruption in class now!'

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

'I'm going to have to give up drinking and drugs when I leave uni - to pay off my bank loan.'

"Tell me, Frankie, what time is it?"

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

"I'm taking 'moving back in with the parents' studies."

'The first person to learn anything leaves immediately!'

Room-mate Homicides Waiting to Happen. . .

'They've all tested positive for stress.'

"I'd like to propose a bill to the effect that we can remain freshmen indefinitely."

Breakfast at Universities

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

"This looks cool, Mum, a university offering a degree course in Greed."

"You like woodwork class then, son?"

'...All I can say is, the judge was adamant about his gag order on the case.'

Man sees college fraternity houses 'Kappa Phi', 'Aeta Epsalon' and then 'Beta Carotene', says, 'They major in nutrition.'

Publish or Perish: 'Welcome to the Team. Remember, if you follow the University Motto, you'll do fine...'

'Your evaluation is based on what you do in the next 30 seconds. Go!'

'I don't think it was a very productive year for Ms. Read. We learned to use all twenty six letters, and she only learned to use the 'C'.'

'I was just checking your records, Kleinzweck, and you have a Ph.D.. in pseudoscience!'

'We have to retract that article. One of our co-authors is the night watchman.'

'My son is away at college, majoring in communications. He never calls and he never writes.'

"Here's my final exam. My lawyer said I didn't have to answer any of these questions."

"It's been redacted for security reasons."

"Let me guess, you joined Alpha Delta Dogma"

'Nobody likes a bartender who went to college.'

"Your son has an unctuous, grasping, power-hungry quality we find unattractive in a five-year-old."

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'

'I recommend you major in something other than meat.'