College Athlete Wannabe T-Shirts

'Does business school have a football team, Dad?'

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

'Desert island cartoons - and you?'

"I wanted to be a baseball player 'til I found out they send you to the showers."

My coach wants me to go to soccer camp. Focusing on one sport isn't good for you. But mom! I'll develop crucial life skills. Let's see. "Landing endorsements, agents and college sports scholarships." The definition of "crucial".

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

I love your enthusiasm, girls, but we're not opening a can of whoop-ANYTHING.

'Wow! That's some growth spurt!'

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

Exercising

"Oh, oh, it seems they've had a little trouble with the hand-off in lane number three."

"Because when you're drafted by the pros, you'll have to be able to sign your contract. That's why you have to attend first grade."

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"My papie says I'm going to be the first in my family to go to college!"

Lost Season

Future Wrestler

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

'And here's my collection of stock in DiscoCorp... or as I call it, your college fund.'

'That's all there is in my college fund? That won't even buy the beer!'

Charlie's medical advice always went in one ear and out the other.

Not The Real Me

Enrollment limited to college varsity athletes.

'He'll be a great basketball player someday -- he already dribbles all over the place.

'When you talk about playing, 'at the next level', you mean lawyering, right, not the NBA?'

'It's great that you want a career in football, Timothy, but don't you think being a striker would be more fun than being a goalpost.'

The Thurston State Hornets make their entry onto the field.

I got into the college everyone wants to go to! Well played. It's the perfect fit for me! Way to go! Eco-Club. Which one is it? Dunno. Why do you care? So I don't apply there!

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

'I told my teacher that I won't be returning to school. I'm trying out for a pro basketball team, and her services are no longer required.'

'I want to be a professional Polo player too when I grow up...Can I have your autograph please?'

'I want to be a professional Polo player too when I grow up... Can I have your autograph please?'

"To be honest, it just collects dust."