Cold Call Survivor T-Shirts

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'Thanks to his brilliant conversation techniques, Bob had the shortest calls.'

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

Call Center.

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

Man cold-calling on phone from igloo

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

"It was just a near-death experience, but while you're here, would you help me with this computer?"

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

"I'm sorry – you have the wrong language."

"Heading back to the office after a year of daily zoom meetings."

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

'Why yes, I would like to buy double glazing...'

'Oh, Ran-dee! Wakey-wakeys! You're doing a triple bypass on Mrs. Pacala at 8:30. Re-mem-ber? Out of bed, Mr. Lazy Bones!'

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

"Faked by a snake selling rakes."

'Not another powerpoint sermon!'

"Your meeting's over. You can relax you zoom face now."

Education Payroll: 'We're trying to resolve your salary problem or, at the very east, put you on hold for th rest of the day.'

Reverend Quinby visits the holdy land

Oh, crap! The Jehovah's Witnesses are back.

"Have you thought about retirement - with me?"

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

'Funny how talking to an automated voice system makes YOU sound like the robot.'

If you would be willing to take a short survey at the end of this call, press "1". If you would like to risk being punished for not taking the survey by being kept on hold for an extra 10 minutes, press "2."

Ten Months Later

Evolution of Zoom