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'How can you sleep at night?'

How coal creates jobs

City Clinic. A Mangled Care Facility. Yeah, but suppose it's not a typo. (Published originally on 9/1/2004.)

A female patient in an exam room sees a sign that reads, 'Break glass in case of physician burnout'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'Will you raise my allowance? I want to play doctor but can't afford the malpractice insurance.'

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

"When I grow up, I want to go into medicine and help people who can pay out of pocket."

Disease Management

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'A problem with the Phase II trials. Everyone - all the people - was given the placebo, and no one got the drug.'

Virtual Doctor

'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' 'I have no idea! That information comes within doctor-patient confidentiality.'

"Yeah, I know. bu tthe administration didn't want to appear culturally insensitive."

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

Obama Healthcare.

This is not the time to be restructuring the NHS in the middle of a pandemic Mr. Hancock!

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

Coronavirus Global Alert

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."

London GPs could become an endangered species.

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

'Yeah, the radiology job market is really hot right now - it's so hot I think I'm getting third degree burns! I gotta go!'

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."