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'...and another thing, Holy Father, do we call them the 'Falklands' or the 'Malvinas'?'

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Stephen Fry

Your basket: Gold. . .You may also like: Frankincense and Myrrh.

"If it weren't for the Botox, right now I'd be so sharing your enthusiasm."

'Well, for the sake of argument, just pretend you've done something wicked.'

Michael Grade is right...ITV needs more real writers which is why we want you to commission 'celebrity novelists get me out of here'.

'Now that they've got a new Pope, there aren't any openings for old guys.'

Paul McCartney

At home with the Pope.

Pope Benedict at Easter

Some catholic like it hot

"What do you mean my loan has, 'Gone Kardashian?'"

"Just saying, guys, I think there's been a bit of a mix up!"

"Read all about it! O.J. still not guilty!"

'Wait, you mean there's only one Pope at a time? In the whole world!?'

'Hey! That's new - paternity leave!'

'Idiot.'

"Hey! Jesus! Shut the door, it's freezing in here. Anyone would think you were born in a barn!"

Dog Confession

'Is it for your wife or your girl friend?'

The Beatles

'That's my slogan, you lousy thieveing creep!'

'The Canonization of Sister Patricia'.

'And here to throw out the first Christian, the king of Numidia!'

Pope Francis

"There's a man at the door collecting for Jesus...."

Father Ted Hughes.

Pope Benedict - Big Changes.

'Do you swear to be faithless and hump everything with a pulse while she's not looking as long as you both need re-hab?'

Papal Bull.

Chris Eubank

"That's St. Anthony of Padua. He finds every ball I hit in the woods."

Pope still on tight shedule.