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'...and another thing, Holy Father, do we call them the 'Falklands' or the 'Malvinas'?'

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Your basket: Gold. . .You may also like: Frankincense and Myrrh.

"If it weren't for the Botox, right now I'd be so sharing your enthusiasm."

'Well, for the sake of argument, just pretend you've done something wicked.'

Michael Grade is right...ITV needs more real writers which is why we want you to commission 'celebrity novelists get me out of here'.

'Now that they've got a new Pope, there aren't any openings for old guys.'

Pope Benedict at Easter

At home with the Pope.

Some catholic like it hot

"Read all about it! O.J. still not guilty!"

"Just saying, guys, I think there's been a bit of a mix up!"

'Wait, you mean there's only one Pope at a time? In the whole world!?'

'Hey! That's new - paternity leave!'

'Is it for your wife or your girl friend?'

'Idiot.'

"Hey! Jesus! Shut the door, it's freezing in here. Anyone would think you were born in a barn!"

'The Canonization of Sister Patricia'.

'That's my slogan, you lousy thieveing creep!'

Pope Benedict - Big Changes.

Father Ted Hughes.

'Do you swear to be faithless and hump everything with a pulse while she's not looking as long as you both need re-hab?'

Pope Francis

"There's a man at the door collecting for Jesus...."

'And here to throw out the first Christian, the king of Numidia!'

Papal Bull.

Pope still on tight shedule.

"Do you know what happened to my St. Pius figurine?"