Busy Parenthood Gifts

You only have time for one: Choose your fighter - Exercise, Wash Your Hair, Eat, Breathe

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"Congratulations. It's a chick."

'I don't have time for throwing up.'

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

"I'm exempt from the company fitness program. I have triplets at home."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

'I'm a work-at-home dad.'

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

"I'm turning into my mother, and it's awesome!"

Mom simultaneously feeds baby his bottle, and husband his.

"Your daughter called—you promised to play phone tag with her today."

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

'We need a dog!'

"I think we need to spend more time with the children...how many have we got?"

Pregnant couple: I'm so glad I'm a woman/I'm so glad I'm a man.

'It's your husband. The baby won't burp for him.'

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

'It never fails to stop him crying - handing him the phone.'

"Amazing how having a six month old baby can motivate you to stay at the office for 16 hours a day!"

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

'Who's gonna stay here and do my homework?'

"You mind if I sit here and yammer on while my kid does whatever he wants?"

Working Moms

"Baldo! Pick him up!"

'Sorry dear, I have to go straight to work tomorrow.'

"Shall I cancel the Henderson meeting? You have walkies scheduled at three."

'Come watch TV with me, Mom. This movie is for young and old.'

"They can't see you right now - would you like a bottle while you're waiting?"

'The tests show it's a boy.. we can't tell whether he'll vote Republican or not.'

Give me whatever and make it fast. What? What do you mean? My wife gave me ten minutes of freedom for Father's Day. And I burned through three of those just sprinting over here. We have four children and a fifth one any day now. She's tired in bed so I'm on 24/7 kid duty. I haven't left the house, taken a shower, or gone potty by myself since 2015. My ear hairs are skinny secret babies that whisper to me at night that I may be going insane. So for Father's Day, my loving wife granted me ten flee