Business Satire Fan Prints

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Implementing these changes won't be easy. We're pretty set in doing things the wrong way.'

Quality Control

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Our latest initiative takes a three-pronged approach."

'I'm really sorry, but production costs are far lower in Korea!'

"The dip in sales seems to coincide with the decision to eliminate sales staff."

'Any chance you can bite him yourself? I've really got a lot on my dish right now.'

"I have complete confidence that the company will overcome its debt load."

'Can I call you back Harry, I think the restructuring has started.'

'The sales department is complaining about product quality! Nothing has broken and no customers have needed anything new in months!'

'And this is the exact point we put Scruffy in charge of marketing and sales.'

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'

Motivation: No Recognition, Poor Rewards, Bureaucracy.

"Miss Gaines, send in someone who reminds me of myself as a lad."

'Gentlemen, I suggest we learn to swim.'

Denial as a form of corporate negotiation.

"Here is the one pager we all agreed on..."

Stoneage business ethics: 'But, hey, this 'ethics' stuff isn't carved in stone!'

'Then it's agreed. We'll go with our animal instincts.'

'Power suits are great for up-and- comers. For you, I recommend the wrongful dismissal suit.'

"I brought lunch from home today. Would you toss it for me?"

Proctor & Gamble acquires Gillette.

'Carson, this is the new organizational chart. This is you.'

Business man explaining on white board - showing to executives plunging graph while sitting behind bars in jail

'Jensen, we've got a ten o'clock investor meeting...make sure to put your good face on.'

"Yes, the market did advance this week, Rebecca, but we feel it's somewhat of a 'dead-cat bounce.'"

'Congratulations... It's a corporation!'

'Okay, wipe that 30-year fixed scowl off your face, and give us your short-term adjustable grin!'

I'm not guilty of insider trading. I've been out here all afternoon!

A fat cat in a suit smoking a cigar.

'Does that include our hidden agendas when they asked everyone to re-prioritize?'

'That's what I really admire about J.D. He refuses to give up, even when it looks as though the company's had it. '

"It's about these 100 jobs you've created - they all appear to be family and friends."

'We're agreed then - that's the last leaf we add to the table.'