Business Satire Fan Prints

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Implementing these changes won't be easy. We're pretty set in doing things the wrong way.'

Quality Control

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Our latest initiative takes a three-pronged approach."

"The dip in sales seems to coincide with the decision to eliminate sales staff."

'I'm really sorry, but production costs are far lower in Korea!'

'Can I call you back Harry, I think the restructuring has started.'

'Any chance you can bite him yourself? I've really got a lot on my dish right now.'

'The sales department is complaining about product quality! Nothing has broken and no customers have needed anything new in months!'

"I have complete confidence that the company will overcome its debt load."

'And this is the exact point we put Scruffy in charge of marketing and sales.'

"Miss Gaines, send in someone who reminds me of myself as a lad."

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'

Motivation: No Recognition, Poor Rewards, Bureaucracy.

"Here is the one pager we all agreed on..."

Denial as a form of corporate negotiation.

Stoneage business ethics: 'But, hey, this 'ethics' stuff isn't carved in stone!'

'Gentlemen, I suggest we learn to swim.'

"I brought lunch from home today. Would you toss it for me?"

'Then it's agreed. We'll go with our animal instincts.'

'Power suits are great for up-and- comers. For you, I recommend the wrongful dismissal suit.'

"Yes, the market did advance this week, Rebecca, but we feel it's somewhat of a 'dead-cat bounce.'"

'Carson, this is the new organizational chart. This is you.'

Business man explaining on white board - showing to executives plunging graph while sitting behind bars in jail

'Jensen, we've got a ten o'clock investor meeting...make sure to put your good face on.'

'Congratulations... It's a corporation!'

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

"Yours blamelessly........."

'Here's your wheel -- Now, would you be interested in purchasing a service contract?'

'That's what I really admire about J.D. He refuses to give up, even when it looks as though the company's had it. '

"Our sales figures are disappointing once again. We need to find out why potential customers aren't choosing us."

'Dalrymple came to us from the public sector.'

I'm not guilty of insider trading. I've been out here all afternoon!

'Okay, wipe that 30-year fixed scowl off your face, and give us your short-term adjustable grin!'