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Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

"I hate performance review season."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

'The good news is, we did as well as expected last quarter. The bad news is, we didn't expect to do too well.'

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

'We're holding our own, but I'd really like to see some growth.'

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

'If I may say so, business is booming.'

Business is off the chart.

Plan 'A', Plan 'B' - "I say we should go with plan 'A', sir."

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

"It's swings and roundabouts – one goes up the other goes down."

"While we're on the subject of earnings, does anyone have a clever metaphor using the word, 'toilet'?"

'All in favor of just laughing it off, say ha, ha, ha.'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

Beware of the 4th quarter.

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

"Which way up do you want it?"

"I can't understand it, we did quite well in the first three quarters.

Financial chart with frowny and smiley faces.

"And this all happened in the last week..."

"The red bars represent the obscene numbers this quarter. The black bars are censoring those red bars."

"And these projections are based solidly on hope, crossed fingers, and fear."

And here is where we stooped to the level of the competition.

"It's been a great year - let's hope we can keep the shareholders from finding out."

"...and right here in Q2 is where the 'you know what' hit the fan. . ."

"Actually, this is where there was a slight earth tremor."