Business Analysis Pillows

Hour of rising vs worm acquisition.

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'We believe numbers don't lie, especially when interpreted advantageously.'

Yes, Mr Jones, this is the right meeting room for the SWOT analysis.

Customer Complaints - "Thank you, Thompson, for collecting the statistics."

"And, of course, this is when all our loose change fell out of our pockets."

"And these projections are based solidly on hope, crossed fingers, and fear."

'As you can see here our downward trend exceeded even the expectations of the people who make our graphs.'

'Thanks for coming here today for my presentation, '10 cutting edge trends in the future of business analysis.' Copies of my talk will be available in the lobby in VHS and Betamax formats...'

"Well, there it is in black and white - we're in the red."

'I'm keen on precise statistics as the next person...'

'Overwhelm the facts with interpretation and have it on my desk Thursday.'

Export

'Sir, I have the live data you requested.'

Business Outlook

End of Year Figs.

'We'd better schedule an autopsy audit.'

'Here we began seeing the glass half empty.'

"I'm looking for something accurate but deceivingly hopeful."

'...And our business intelligence system tells you exactly how our business is performing. I find it best not to look!'

'Since that was the two weeks you were on vacation last year, Simms, we're giving you a six week vacation this year.'

"The graph hasn't changed in six months, I'm starting to doubt the analytics team."

"Anything yet?"

'86.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

"Rachel, our new person in accounting, has put together this projection for the next quarter based on skootching a bit to the right and looking out the window."

Those graphs really do disguise this year's true results. Well done.

"Snipes is our in-house Chicken Little, and he says the sky is falling."

'Bob, I've looked over the numbers in your report, and I only have one question: Do the words 'aggressively optimistic accounting' mean anything to you?'

Okay.. so who's the wise guy?

"Having analysed the data we're pretty sure there will be a result, we just don't know what it might be."

'With retail turnover per square meter down by an annualised 12% it makes you wonder whether people have forgotten what Christmas is all about.'

'Stocks soared on news a financial lobbyist wants 'greed' dropped as one of the cardinal sins.'

"We need an internet service that's faster than our bad news."

"The result this year is somewhat disappointing! . . . I had hoped for a D size!"

'Why aren't we doing better? I thought business was supposed to be Dog Eat Dog!'