Bundle-up Believer Pillows

"I see prosperity in your future."

Every time you make a blend, somewhere, a wine maker dies.

"Since I've gone over to roll-ups I find I can get by on just one cigarette a day!"

Maternity Ward: No Returns/No Exchanges

"I'm Mr. Trump's attorney and this is my attorney. Once his attorney arrives, we can begin."

'No, your stock didn't split. The fact it's worth half of what it was yesterday is just an amazing coincidence.'

Frigid Cold

'My mom got it on. She said you'd get it off.'

'Well, your wife is now a den mother! You have triplets!'

Robot asking for money in bar code language.

'They say it was a truly enlightened electorate this year, Congressman.'

Colin was always looking for new ways to communicate complex financial products.

"Lucky beast....No factory farming, no suffering at the slaughterhouse...perfect."

"I started this company in my parents basement. I kept a backup copy in case I ever need to start another."

'Doris, I love it when we...well, you know.'

'All I did was tell him his bonds were backed by the full faith and credit of the U.S. government.'

Winter warmers, using cats to keep warm.

"Me? I'm really scared and sad these days..."

"Tomorrow’s the day. I’ve been waiting in line for 'Deadpool & Wolverine' for months." "What on earth are you talking about, little buddy?" "Well, it’s not exactly me. It’s a kid I paid, he’s holding my spot." "Wait… Please tell me you didn’t pay a kid to not go home for two months." "It doesn’t sound so good the way you say it."

'Anything besides the three lotto tickets?'

New! Stick-on Stigmata

"You mean to say, you don't even have broadband?"

'My new book is a perfect fit for 'Austerity Britain', it's incredibly cheap...but you do have to write it yourself.'

'Where have you been all your life? Everybody knows that zero coupon bonds are the way to go!'

Very low temperatures in the world

Vote Here. A- D. Hi! First time voter, long-time complainer!

Carrier Bag Shame

'I couldn't find a thing not to wear.'

'It's better than Prozac. I no longer worry about the ozone layer, sulfur dioxide, ultraviolet rays...'

"Okay. . . I've had the dog out for his walk . . . can we please come in now. . . ?"