Budget-balancing Gourmet T-Shirts

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

La Table

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"I come here for the pepper."

'If by 'great', you mean 'terrible', then yes, we have plenty of great beers for under $4.00 a six-pack.'

"Ten Dollars?! I can't eat that." Bob was on a strict low-cost diet.

Hamish Harris. The boy bon vivant.

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

Butcher's shop has 'Cuts of salami' sign: End, Middle, Other End.

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

'S'more wine?'

A traveler comments on the red in the sunset. A wine drinker misunderstands, thinking the traveler is referring to the red wine.

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

'Are you sure this wine is ten years old?' - 'Yes, I remember opening it ten years ago.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'My husband will order the wine. He happens to be a graduate of the 3-Second Master of Wine program.'

"Red wine with fish? Sometimes you really are a monster."

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

'Waiter, you seem to have mixed my bill up with somebody who wants to buy this restaurant.'

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

"How much longer on your visionary gnocchi, Stefano?"

"Is anyone enjoying anything?"

'Snob, he won't eat domestic slugs, just imports.'

Roadkill Restaurant

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

"It would be better with a protein, but add-ons are so expensive."

'I think we're all safe now. Go ahead and say spatlese.'

"As you can see, my culinary creations are eclectic."

A tureen of chefs

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

"Pat? de fois gras avec des petits pois et pommes de terre au gratin? Very well, sir ? is generic okay?"

Emeril Lagasse