Bedtime Story Critic Mugs

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

"The cow jumped over the moon? The dish ran away with the spoon? Dad... it just doesn't pass the smell test."

Late night teddy reading

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'She's just great with the children.'

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'The pioneers opened the frontier, but it wasn't legal until brave lawyers blazed the paper trail!'

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

"Oh, Aunt Em, it wasn't a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you ... and you were there. But not that man with the straitjacket."

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

"I'm sad to hear everybody lived happily ever after. That means no sequels to this story."

Why don't you ever like to spoon?

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

Monsters won't eat you if they're not hungry. So, each night, Mom makes it a sandwich. If I keep my room tidy.

"When Mom reads that story, the dragon comes off as a much more sympathetic character."

'What did St. Patrick have against snakes?'

"He's right―there is something under the bed!"

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"

"Bogeyman under your bed? Oh, no, sweetie, there's no room under there… unlike your closet."

"Why did I start the story with 'Twice upon a time?' Because it's a sequel."