Bedtime Story Artist Pillows

"Apparently, he's not ready for stories filled with moral ambiguity."

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Late night teddy reading

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'She's just great with the children.'

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

"Mmmm! Bears hibernate in the winter. Cats can hibernate anytime we want!"

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

"Dad, can we have a bedtime narrative?"

"Good evening, Susan. We've decided it's time you get your own bed."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"I'll get up in negative five minutes."

'And you're telling me this, why?'

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

"Oh, Aunt Em, it wasn't a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you ... and you were there. But not that man with the straitjacket."

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

'The pioneers opened the frontier, but it wasn't legal until brave lawyers blazed the paper trail!'

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'