Becoming A New Parent Pillows

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

Poor kid, never had a chance.

'...Just like Daddy!'

"We've doubled our staff in the last six months." (Smith and Smith - baby in playpen behind desk).

'Is he your first?'

Storks arrive with a baby and with bills.

"I hoped you'd change your hobby when you became a father"

'Will I be able to have a night light if we switch to solar power?'

"I don't think live-tweeting counts as co-parenting."

Men Parenting

"Aaahh - how sweet! What's your baby's name?"

Polyphemous, he's got your eye

Add your kids' ages together...

'Well, nurse, it was a bit daft putting me next to this mirror!'

Tub Toys!

"Mom usually chews it up for us."

New Fathers taking a number to pick up a baby from Maternity

'The kid was right! There WAS a monster under his bed!'

'Funny in my day they all looked like WInston Churchill.'

'I'm in here, dear, getting into shape for walking the floor with our new baby when it cries.'

I'm fed up with cleaning your room! From now on, wipe your feet!

Baby to-do list.

'Bev has become the neighborhood soccer mom.'

"...for a canal I thought that was unusually short."

It ain't over till the fat daddy sings.

'Still having problems finding a baby sitter?'

"I'm using the lockdown to reconnect it with my children, apparently I've got five of them."

'The new baby? Oh he's great! I haven't slept in 4 days, but the baby is great!'

'-and the next time I fly south I'm damn well staying there!'

"keeping him in that sterile bubble may be awkward, but at least he won't catch the flu."

'Here's one I made earlier!'

Very young single mothers.

'He won't be going to school for another five years. Until then shouldn't he get a job or something?'

'Yipee! A cockroach!'

Heimlich's Mother's Maneuvers