Bar Critic Mugs

I suspect the thinking behind making "Happy Hour" last two hours is that two boring hours equal on happy one.

"No, of course there isn't, 'one law for the rich and another for the poor'... There's no law for the poor."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

The Jose Padilla Experience

Movies vs. Films

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"You realize, of course, that I'll have to make a big show of having security escort you out."

"Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that our TV cable?"

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

"I think I'm as patient as the next person, but my husband wouldn't stop saying 'yo,' so I shot him."

'I couldn't help noticing that nobody swore YOU in!'

Whistler's father.

"Ah yes, I know this bit...it's from the advert!"

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

". . . yes, sir, folks . . . and furthermore, folks . . . for real quality, folks . . . yes, sir, folks . . ."

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

"I'm not the responsible party. I have people for that."

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

"The worst thing about having aliens abduct you is that they say they’re going to call, but they never do."

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

"Your honor, I intend to put the system on trial."

"...but do not take Clynkovix if you are already taking any other drug with a ridiculous name."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

"Been there, drunk that."

"Do you believe the world is all an illusion?" "I know it is. I know it can be bent by our collective will. When I was born, there were horses and buggies in the streets. But as soon as we all believed we could do it, we went to the moon." "Oh, I agree. That's why I'm trying to get the whole internet to retweet 'It's possible to upload our minds into immortal robot bodies.' If the entire hive mind of Earth tweets that at the same time, it's got to come true." "I hope not. I'd hate for you to end

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

"Not guilty"