Bar Banter Buff Prints

"I happen to be one of those who do NOT hold with the view that Dan Quayle is less than mediocre."

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

"My marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic is a park, right?"

"Got anything besides pretzels? Maybe nuts?"

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"It takes me only one drink to get drunk. Its either the seventh or eighth."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

"Is that neat whisky?"

'That guy is SO tacky.'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."