Bar Banter Buff Prints

"I happen to be one of those who do NOT hold with the view that Dan Quayle is less than mediocre."

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

"My marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic is a park, right?"

"Got anything besides pretzels? Maybe nuts?"

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"It takes me only one drink to get drunk. Its either the seventh or eighth."

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'That guy is SO tacky.'

"Is that neat whisky?"

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."