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Clancy: Advice for a Bad Memory

'In general, do the right thing.'

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

"Let's text her, she'd like that."

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."

'Have you considered getting a life-coach?'

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

'The secret to staying in business, Wilson, is making something that's needed. Profit!'

'Oh, now that's a nice vase...'

'Hey! Have you heard the awful news?!'

"There's someone here who says she has a word to the wise. Do we have anyone like that?"

"Don't mess with that guy. He's a real hardwood."

"I think it is most admirable," said Alice, "that you gave up a thriving law practice to be with this lovely child."

'How do you think I ended up alone on the top of a mountain?'

Why do we have pistols? I thought we were back-to-back to see who is taller!

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

'My astrologer says one thing, my guru says another, my psychiatrist says something else - I don't know who to turn to anymore.'

"I'll give you some advice. When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut."

'This box usually yields one or two sensible suggestions,four or five stupid ideas,ten to twenty immoral suggestions and several hundred candy wrappers.'

'Oh yeah! My self help group knows a lot more than your psychiatrist. First of all, there's a lot more of them.'

"You know, after all these years of giving you advice on all. Things personal and professional, it occurred to me that you've never actually asked for my opinion."

'No, I thought you were John Simpson.'

"Are you listening to those bloody influencers again?"

"What? The invitation said, wear your favorite mask."

"Unbuckle your belt, Bob."

"Heads we go with the analytics. Tails we don't."

'I fired my motivational trainer and started listening to my mother.'

"It's the Ask Sadie advice hour. 'Shmernie' in Vermont, you're on. What's your problem?" "How do I know when it's time to give up? I've tried so hard to warn people about how they're getting screwed over, but they keep vot-- I mean, hanging out with the screwer-overers." "Give it up, 'Shmernie!' It's over!" "This reminds me of the time great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother Cohen's advice show answered a parchment from 'S

'Now we'll try some word association.', 'Fling dorp snoogle!'

'...never take anything for granite!'

"It's the Ask Sadie advice hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking your calls."

"This advice column is the worst trash I've ever read! And I should know! I've been reading it every day for the past 20 years!"