Annual Health Screenings T-Shirts

"Your good cholesterol has come under the influence of your bad cholesterol."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

'Well, well, well...'

PSA Banter.

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

"Breathe in and reimagine yourself in a world where you lived a healthy lifestyle."

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'Oh, relax - you're doing great for your age...but I am a little concerned about out computer's old operating system.'

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

Flu vaccine.

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

"You need to do less talking the talk and more walking the walk."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"The cape comes off too."

'You're leaving if I'm going to inject him?...

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

"So what brings you in today?"

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

'But I think shopping three times a week is more than enough exercise!'

"I didn't even get a balloon."

Full System Scan

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

"Take up some light exercise or a sporting activity - as a football perhaps."

"Sorry, but it is not negotiable! You have to let Tim clean your teeth twice a day!"

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."

"You're flying a little bit right now, aren't you?"