Alimony Analyst Mugs

'I didn't know what the value of a woman's love was...until I started paying alimony.'

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Stocks plummeted on news of your demise.'

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

'Maximising shareholder value doesn't count.'

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

"I'm at that awkward stage between credit card payments and alimony payments."

Postcards from Heaven...

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

"I knew there was something wrong when he stopped reading the obituaries."

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

"I think you should provide a 401(k) with my allowance."

'You say voters in many areas can't relate to me?'

'Webster, is it just me, or do our new employees seem to be younger every year,'

"If you can't take it with you, this must be Hell."

"You just said, ‘And then I killed my first and second husbands.’ ... Let's explore that."

'You still can't take it with you, but we now offer cloud storage for intellectual properties.'

'...but if daddy raised your allowance he'd be hurting the economy by stimulating inflation. You wouldn't want him to do that, would you?'

"Surely two people as intelligent as we are can work out some method of falling in love."

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'

Damned if you do...

"I hope your day is going bad."

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

'I like to use the Law as a jumping off point.'

"Honey, I'm home."

Vote GOP: 'Lowering taxes for the rich creates jobs, in the huge demand for security guards!'

'Edward de Vere? -- give me a break!'

Confined by Coronavirus

'Earth became too small. I had to opt for a bigger planet for hell.'