Academic Satire Aficionado Pillows

"Science fraud? What do I do that isn't science fraud?"

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

The Grasshopper's Feast: A Prophetic Vision

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'As you can see,we run a completely paperless office.'

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

A rare picture of Henry VIII's divorce lawyer.

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

"Cartoonist are harmless? Not at all!! These people have weapons!! Here, see for yourself!"

'Not only can I not find the middle class tax cut, I can't find the middle class.'

Militant Pacifists

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

Party-Crashing Ban

'This is a very dysfunctional company. No one will talk aboaut about the elephant in the boardroom!'

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

"My parents just raised my home school tuition."

"Alright, fire me. But I'm taking back your "World's Greatest Boss" coffee mug!"

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'