Absurd Situation Appreciator T-Shirts

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Barcode Dreams

Giant ape juggling planes and captive.

'Oh great. Our luggage has been sent to Alpha Centauri.'

"I have to refill it everyday. He has a tendency to retain water."

The deadly sport of cobra staring contests.

"Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout!"

'We've got a special this week on nose hairs!'

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"And once you've achieved your 25% improvement in client satisfaction surveys, we need you to solve the problem of global warming,third world poverty and cold toast."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

"Could you tilt the Earth just a bit more away from the light?"

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"And the Hungriest Black Hole there ever was ate everything in the entire universe and lived happily ever after."

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

The missiles had failed...so it was down to Frank...and plan B.

"Leonard! Throw me the car keys!"

"From this you make a living?"

"What if the cat stuck in the tree has a gun? Is that an emergency?"

Golf Hole at bottom of lake.

'That will be 100 hours of community service in some other community.'

"We don't have a cloaking device for our ship, but we've made it look like a banner ad. They won't see us."

'My axe is all dull! -- Have you been using it to shave your legs again?'

"This is never going to work—you're a tree!"

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'Sorry...I don't deal with lease issues.'